so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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