We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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