the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Barsexuality is the new black.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
