You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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