I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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