tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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