dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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