I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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