If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
she told me i tasted like america
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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