The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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