I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
