i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
