last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
