you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
