Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
