Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
