haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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