i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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