So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
