At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
