I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
