Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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