this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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