They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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