OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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