Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
