I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
