Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
