if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
