yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
