The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
