She just used a chaser for red wine.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
