I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
