don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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