You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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