no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
