Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
