he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
