in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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