people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
