he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
