before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
