Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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