Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
