I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Fuck appropriateness.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
