My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
