Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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