i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
