Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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