If that was your dad, he is hot
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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