I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
