Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
