I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
