dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
