every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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