I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
