tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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