last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
